It’s been weeks since I have blogged.
Hundreds of posts and notes, and words run through my head and heart, but all I truly see is the ugly within. Somehow, a week or so before Christmas, my joy for this favorite time of year unexpectedly froze over, like the South is now. It came unbidden and stopped me in my tracks.
All I have heard these weeks is silence. I see myself as the Lord sees me, broken, ugly, hard-hearted, and grieving that my joy has been misplaced. I seemed to dash desperately after peace, turning this way and that, running at break-neck speed toward it, only to find it was sauntering behind me, all along.
This Christmas I seemed to only see the dark, looming ugliness of my heart, struggling to find how even the Lord can love that. We have waned now to the new year and I look out the window, understanding and choosing to let Him seep back into my soul. Weary of traveling this road without Him.
I have thrashed, and cried out, and rivaled all the words David did in the Psalms, at where I find myself. I have so much, yet my heart is so black. How can this be?
He seeps in.
Silently, slowly, and reminds me that no matter the color of my heart, the condition of my soul, He is there, seeking to redeem me. We are not beautiful or worthy because we are made as such. It is the image to which He conforms and reforms us that makes us lovely. Only He causes the flower to open from bud to bloom, silently, without fanfare. But the flower speaks for itself in all it’s glory, pointing it’s open bloom to the Heavens, reaching for the sun.
Lord, thaw my heart, rush in, take over, and wipe me clean. Open me up to reflect and reach to You. I am weary of running and reaching when You are already there. Thank you for patience. Thank you for grace.